Think about what you're saying. Do you believe every word that leaves your mouth? You could well be the only person who cares what you say.
I wrenched on a lovely Ellis Briggs steel audax bike at work today, reminded why I like the colour black for bikes, truly timeless. I predict the touring/audax bike to be the next big thing, cyclocross bikes that can be used for commuting etc are already ten a penny and fixed gears are so 2006! Its a rare treat when a great bike passes through the workshop, it really improves the day whether it be a fancy race machine or just a bike the owner loves and takes care of. On a related note, I'm loving learning all the 'tricks of the trade'. It's almost something new everyday, not many people can say that.
Reminds me of a saying of my Grandma's; "We don't have much money but we do see life."
Recently I have found my strength leaving me, the classic 'Yorkshire' attributes of grit and determination lacking as different challenges and situations throw me off balance. When the people and things that usually give me encouragement and help form part of the problem itself I don't know where to turn. It's easy to be hard on myself and to adopt a negative attitude but that just digs the hole deeper. Things need done.
Some good advice from a Wu Tang Clan song:
Lord, don't move my mountains just give me the strength to climb.
I managed two laps of today's race before having a 'mechanical'. I stopped in the pits for my lap out and to fix my bike but wasn't allowed to rejoin as it was deemed a fault not a race caused mechanical. I was, and still am, absolutely gutted. However many times you say life goes on it still hurts but I do have much bigger things happening in my life right now, so I won't brood too long.
Watching BBC4 documentaries about the American South. Home cooking. Signing up to start my Cytech training. Working on old bikes for good people. Getting help.
-1
Katherine going down south for a week without me. Not being around family when all is not well. Missing the Yorkshire Show. Money. Not feeling you belong where you were once comfortable.
This is the first weekend I have managed back to back rides in ages but my mileage probably tops out at only 40 miles. Yesterday I went for a short spin on my cross bike to get used to the position and check it was in full working order, then after a couple of minor adjustments today I did some dismount/remount practice on the Knavesmire. I've started thinking cyclo cross early because as it's my first season racing I want all the experience I can get, although with two weeks remaining to my last road race of the season I have to keep the mileage and leg speed going too.
Weekends of driving around, going out for leaving do, racing another circuit race and nine hours days on my feet could all be classed as the 'storm', whereas a night watching Midsomer Murders on the telly and a curry for tea is definitely calming.
Another race for me last night and another finish in the bunch, slightly higher up than before. Being a dry night it was very fast from the off and a bit of shoving going on in the pack kept us all alert, but everyone got round fine with no crashes. Last race on this circuit in two weeks, so hopefully looking for another improvement again.
Was watching the Isle of Man TT races last night when it was reported that Guy Martin had had a bad crash, I'm a big fan and wish him a speedy recovery but what I want to share is a little of his blog:
Also a story from his website that maybe a little close to the truth but still very funny:
The Squirrel and The Grasshopper
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE BRITISH VERSION The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The Daily Mail informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Green Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Social Housing Commission demonstrate in front of the squirrel’s house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing ‘We Shall Overcome’. A socialist rants in an interview with Andrew Marr that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his ‘fair share’ and increases the charge for squirrels to enter the congestion zone in London . In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel’s taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a Social Housing Commission house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel’s food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society – in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of the British apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people’s credit cards. A Newsnight special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel’s food, though spring is still months away, while the Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn’t bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper’s drug ‘Illness’. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in Britain . The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drug habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10 million and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers. Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain ’s multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats. The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid £1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Britain . The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
One of the most popular sayings from customers is: "I know nothing about bikes but..."
Never lend a chain tool to anyone, they will break it.
I'm moving into five months at the shop and will soon be starting a slightly different role as a full time mechanic. I will only work one weekend in three so should be able to organise my racing easier, although it will be an intensive learning curve at the same time. Bring it on.
Our Saturday morning training rides has almost been a continuous, and quite uneventful, feature of 2010, starting off in the snow then ice and making it safely through the Spring showers. So today on a beautiful Summer's day it was quite a surprise that we had two crashes. Firstly a small slow motion touching of wheels that had spectacular results with a full over the bars dive. The kind where the rider picks themselves up and looks for the damage, as the rush of adrenalin manages to block any pain for a short moment before quickly wearing off to reveal the full extent of the problem. Everyone involved continued onwards undeterred, we all stayed upright for about 20 minutes when another rider had a very professional looking fall. A small bump in the road and a loss of balance and said rider was soon sliding across the road on his arse following his bike into the verge. It was one of those crashes which burns most of the shorts and then the skin straight off. Again we all continued and all finished the ride together without incident, thankfully.
Last night saw my second road race, a 4th Cat crit on a closed circuit near Tockwith. After my first race, my aim was to actually finish this one. I lined up with a few club mates and after a quick neutral lap we hit the line for a flying start. I tried to avoid the back of the pack and moved in to the front half, the pace was high but manageable with most people riding sensibly. As the race progressed a couple of rookie mistakes, mainly braking too hard, saw me move to the back of the field but never in trouble. I found the right wheels to follow and never felt in danger of being dropped but I was very relieved to see the lap board counting down each lap. On the last lap the pace increased but I finished in the pack, giving my all for the sprint for goodness know what place. The feeling of finishing was amazing and like another step to being a fully fledged racer.
So, this morning I had my first road race. Here are a few lists of what I learned and what went right or wrong.
Good: Didn't panic when I found myself at the back of the group. I took opportunities to move up to the front when they arose. Early in the race I was coping well with the pace. I wasn't intimidated by group racing.
Bad: I tried to eat some of my energy bar but couldn't chew it before the climb, which meant I had to swallow it almost whole. I got gapped on the climb, couldn't breathe right then off the back of the group threw it up at the road side. I joined another rider who had been dropped earlier, was going to carry on but he had already decided to head back to HQ and I followed him without any argument.
What I learnt: Don't use energy bars in races. There isn't the time. It has to be either sports drink or gels. I can 'do' road racing, the atmosphere has quite friendly and it was good to be in better company. Don't take the easy way out, keep going as long as possible.
I feel a little disappointed because it was a mistake that ended my day rather than lack of legs but there are a lot of positives and I'm looking forward to my next race in a few weeks.
I'm currently sat on the sofa, resting in preparation for my first road race tomorrow. I'm about as ready as I'll ever be, although strangely I'm not feeling that much pressure because I've been told so much not to expect a lot from the first races. There will be clubmates in the race too and I'm even getting a lift out so don't have to worry about finding my way. This time last year I had just completes my first TT and ridden my first century, looking back it's hard to believe how much I've progressed both mentally and physically. There's always work to be done but that's half the fun. Next week it's my birthday again and we're heading to a little B+B I used to stay at with my family when I was a young 'un. That's all for now, back to Midsommer Murders and a cup of tea.
I finally did it, after asking Katherine's parents permission (I'm kinda old fashioned, if you haven't already guessed) at Christmas, I proposed on Wednesday the 14th of April. Inbetween the tears (of joy, I hope) she said yes and made me the happiest man in Yorkshire. We then had a lovely couple of days in the Dales, walking in the sun and actually feeling the desire to take proper photographs again. It feels great to have good news for people, all that need to know have been told so now it gets told to the general nothingness of the internet in general.
If you ever get a knock at the door and some nice gentleman is saying he has just accidentally scratched your car and he is very sorry, he is basically owning up in the knowledge you will be too nice for your own good and let him off without paying or any further action. Well I say make the bugger pay. No-one has hit my car but someone sure took a lump out of me today.
Words I never thought I would say. I'm not really the romantic type who believes I have found my calling in life but I've never been this happy in a job before.
For the past week I've had some kind of crazy flu, it didn't keep me off work but when I got home all I did was have tea and crawl into bed. Today it feels like it maybe leaving me but have zero energy and it has heavily impacted on the amount of training I've done, i.e done sweet f*** all. There are circuit races starting in a couple of weeks, a TT at the end of the month and my first BC race in exactly a month, right now I'm struggling to even imagine riding my bike fast. Hopefully the miles will start rolling by again this week and Mr Bob Jackson will give me a call to tell me my frame is ready.
After work today I decided to head out to find some possible cyclo cross training routes in York, I'd heard rumors about such things around the Uni so rode over in that direction. It took me right back to the old days of trying to find new things to ride on our BMX's a few years ago. The mix of a little bit of exploring coupled with riding your bike fast makes me happy. As it happens I found a few bits and pieces including some nice drawn out off road climb or descent (depending on what you wanted to practise) and I think joining it all together could make a tidy 5km loop.
Everyone seems to be obsessed by the approach of Spring. It's true, just the other day I stepped outside on my way to work and realised for the first time since October it wasn't utterly freezing. The sun has been making an appearance of late and everyone starts feeling a little better about themselves. It's a great time of year and a time for action, there's no excuses anymore, you've got to do what you want to do.
I made a remedy of diesel and dust. Something I can taste with the things I can trust.
The opening line from a Hot Water Music song and it sums up what I've been doing recently. I hate it when blogs start with bullshit about why the author hasn't posted for ages, the truth why I have 'blogged' recently is simply because I have been too busy living life to sit and write about it. I have finished my employment with The Cat Gallery and am currently in a little inbetween period before starting my new job. Katherine and I had a little break in the Yorkshire Dales at a beautiful holiday cottage this week. A few days spent in almost isolation, no TV, no mobile reception and a lot of time to clear the mind. Now spending a bit of time sorting out cycling matters, such as building a race wheelset and getting my entries in for the early part of the season. I need to step up my mileage now the days are getting longer and hopefully the snow has left us. My new job feels like the first employment I've ever had that has a future. It is with Cycle Heaven in York, full time and including time both in the workshop and front of house. It feels like its everything I need and more, and I'm looking forward to learning and the new challenges I will face, while proving to my employers I am worth it. I talked a lot about making 2010 a better year, and now it's becoming obvious that it will be great compared to 2009 I don't want to get carried away with it all. I am focusing on living more day to day. I'm not saying living in a reckless manner, plans are being made for the future but I'm not letting my mind wander to these things at the detriment of the present day. To finish, something that made me really smile the other day was that right now I have nothing in my life that I don't care for with all my heart. Katherine, family, friends, everything I do and surround myself with is my choice and I'm very happy with it all.
My website is now offline. I hope in the short time it has been live it was enjoyed but the time has come to move on with more pressing matters. My photography is still going and will be on my Flickr as usual, and I'm sure another web presence isn't that far away. I'm learning to let go and move on, finally I think I am in control of my destiny and the time for relying on others is gone.
The first training ride of 2010 for me this morning. A hard ride, especially when it's close to two months since my last substantial outdoor mileage and I wasn't helped by a visit by 'the man with the hammer', when I was on the run into home. The previous miles had left my legs empty and then suddenly I was spat out the back of the group and barely able to hold the last wheel. A clubmate was also feeling it and slowed down to help me out, virtually towing me all the way home. Same again next week but hopefully might get round under my own steam.
Enjoy the good times because they will end, don't get too obsessed with the bad either it won't last forever.
It seems like the whole world wants to tell me what they're doing this very second, via the medium of Twitter. I never go on the site but somehow can't escape it. Writing something on the internet doesn't make it more interesting or any more true. For example right now I'm listening to Alkaline Trio, drinking Black Sheep beer and wondering if I've made the right decision.
The world did not get any better for writing that. Think about that the next time you want to tell the world how long it took you to decide what to eat for breakfast.
It's not like I take much notice of horoscopes in the back of trashy magazines but just recently every single one of them has told me to "go with the flow" and not cling on to old habits just out of routine. As the real world starts to get back going after Christmas and the snow enforced confusion, I had half an eye on starting work again on Monday. This afternoon something came about, which will definitely test my ability to go with the flow. I have worked hard recently but hadn't prepared myself for the phone call that may call me out. I don't want to think about it all but know I won't be able to focus on anything else till I know exactly whats going on. Two Thousand and Ten is already looking better than last year, full details as always will follow.
And by this I mean experiencing other people's way of life and culture. We have traveled round various households this festive period and seen how our family and friends live their lives.
Currently we are snowed in at my family home in Bradford. The most snow I think I've ever seen in my life has fallen overnight and this morning, could resist building a snowman, but almost did my back in doing it. Ended up with a creepy six foot fat snowman in the middle of the front garden and have already done the portrait shots. It's quite peaceful being cut off from the world. We have food, an open fire to keep us warm and rubbish telly to occupy us if the need arises.
Haven't felt the need to do any resolutions for the New Year, don't need to crowd my mind with empty promises when I know actions speak louder than words anyway.
There are more than a few things I need to change in my life right now.
Firstly, I need a job that feels like it is building to the career I want for the rest of my working life. All I want is to be involved in something real, which makes me push myself to be better. Stopping complaining all the fucking time, comes a close second, I've always been a worrier but I'm boring myself with all the depressing rubbish I talk. Sorry to those that have been on the receiving end. Getting rid of the chillblains on my hands it an obvious goal. A combination of working where I do and my faulty circulation mean my hands are continually painful and so prickly and itchy I would consider chopping them off to get some relief. A general tidy and organise of my few material pocessions would go a long way.
For 2010 I am quietly hoping for the best while expecting the worst. One reason for shedding the negative mindset is it clouds the good things in life. Great times get forgotten easily and opportunities get missed. A few things I am already looking forward to are; our five year anniversary, seeing Paris-Roubaix in the flesh, racing my bike and solving the problems and challenges life throws up on the way.
Today I am taxi driver for Katherine because of the snow. Driving was a lot easier than thawing out the car this morning but still the back roads were pretty tricky. On my way home couldn't resist getting the car a bit sideways on the ice but quit before I pushed my luck too much.
I'm not feeling Christmas yet, haven't done my shopping, we don't have a tree and normality is simply on hold because of work. I did however, have a cracking day out in Bradford watching the National Trophy Cyclo-Cross in Peel Park. It was a day that restored my faith in (some) people and reminded me to have a good time now and again.
Not much else happening these days. Riding and any sense of fitness is on hold until the New Year when training rides start again, and working weekends means I didn't even realise Friday had happened until Saturday night.
+1
Haircut. Productive social occasions. Another opportunity. Morning coffees.
-1
Waking up every morning not knowing what day it is. Undeniable sour grapes. Trying not to get my hopes up again.
This is my 300th blog post. Sounds like a lot but this thing started on the 13th of February 2 thousand 6, so knocking on the door of 4 years old.
I recently was asked the question 'What is your dream?' and I don't know the answer anymore. I've had a few over the years but not too many that have worked out. I feel like 2009 hasn't treated us too well but it hasn't killed me either. Possibly made me stronger but crushed a bit of my spirit too. I'm really looking forward to Christmas because this year it means some proper family time and after that it's exciting to think a few things might be changing again.
It surprised me how excited I felt after leaving Bob Jackson yesterday, I know already I have made the right decision. For anyone wondering why I didn't buy a carbon frame, I can't afford one that is to the standard I want, and I certainly can't afford it's replacement in 2 - 3 years.
I've been doing too many short and angry blog posts recently. It stems from tiredness and frustration in my day to day life, and simply not wanting to go over it all again in writing.
So, Autumn feels like it's making way for Winter. My seasonal circulation problems have resurfaced, meaning continual thermal socks and gloves wearing until March. Full mudguards are on my work bike now too, scary how high practicality rates on my list of 'must haves'. On the subject of bicycles, I'm off tomorrow to get fit up for a custom frame from the one and only Bob Jackson. Let them measure me up, lay down my deposit and (un)patiently wait for 5-6 months for the finished result. Fingers crossed will be ready with time to spare for the first racing of the 2010 season, which I hope to make my first engagement with local road racing.
I want a reason to hurt like this. I need to get my strength back by spending hours in the saddle and logging the miles. I need to get organised, to be motivated by progression, to stop listening to negativity and for it all to be FUN.
Between you, me and the lamp post I've been hearing all kinds of gossip recently. Some of it true, some obvious lies and some daft crap as well. I don't take much notice of a lot of it except when people I care about have been messed around or get hurt.
Had a couple of nights out at the weekend too. Saturday we did a not too scary ghost tour of Nunnington Hall for Halloween, and Sunday we went to an art evening organised by Katherine's art group. Both very interesting in their own ways.
Werk is Werk, and remember we are not paid to use our initiative.
I watch so many films, my grasp on reality can slip. It's a great way to pass some time at this point in the year. When the clocks go back and darkness creeps steadily in on both ends of the working day, they are a great escape. Also riding for me slows down and work picks up so my free time becomes more valuable, which begs the question why am I still sitting on this computer?
The words that run through my head every time I look up at a night sky full of stars. It's a line from an Alkaline Trio song with no real significance to me really.
If you can write an email to someone you don't know without sounding like a dick, please tell me how.
Have had not a lot of energy at all recently. No explanation probably just the Winter slow down.
Old FBM BMX video are a lot of fun to watch.
The trick to meaningless conversation is to ask a lot of questions.
I can make myself feel on the outside of any scene/club/peer group in ten seconds flat, but when I ignore these urges I get on with almost everybody.
Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path, and there is not affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition.
I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question. This question is one that only a very old person asks. My benefactor told me about it once when I was young, and my blood was too vigorous for me to understand it. Now I do understand it.
I will tell you what it is: Does this path have a heart?
All paths are the same, they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long, long paths, but I am not anywhere. My benefactor’s question has meaning now. “Does this path have a heart?” One makes you strong; the other weakens you.
The trouble is nobody asks the question: and when a person finally realizes that they have taken a path without heart, the path is ready to kill them. At that point very few people stop to deliberate and leave the path.
A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it.
For my part there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length.
And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly.
It's a sad and uneasy feeling. Not caring. I don't have too much responsibility in my day to day life, so the last few days of being at my parent's has been a complete change. A combination of house sitting and being in charge of the business means my day is full of jobs before it's even started. At the same time any free time becomes more precious and valuable as a result. It's a rewarding process being busy with jobs that matter and add up to something more than just being paid for your time, throw in the fact that I managed to see some family and friends and it's been a pretty good time. I actually like the person this mean I become too. Responsibility seems to bring out a good side in me which gets on with things, has less numpty moments and has a strength that I rarely use in my 'normal' life. The lack of someone else to ask an opinion means I trust my decisions, an empowering feeling. All this is not to say I actually change when I'm here, but life becomes slightly more black and white instead of a millions shades of grey. The lesson for this week is to transfer this attitude to York based activities. We'll see.
This morning I was too ill to ride the last cycling event of my season. When I made the decision to stay home I immediately felt a little better, then when I went back to bed I almost got back up and tried again to leave. It's a mysterious process. The same as when you get dropped from a fast group you are struggling to hold onto, you see the wheel move in front and know you need to hold on even when your whole body is screaming to quit. If you listen and give in, the second you do you feel instantly better but try to kick again to catch up and the body doesn't even work. By giving in you get the relief you crave but also the gut wrenching feeling of what might have been. So not only am I ill today but I have the 'what might have been' about an event I was really looking forward to and hoping to do well in.
When I do new things, it feels like I make a lot of mistakes. However, I only make a mistake once, I don't repeat them (most of the time). It always feels good coming away knowing more than when you started, if everyday could feel like you're working towards something bigger than just existing, my world would be a better place.
Read something that the British Army use in their training;
Until the day I die I will remember an old saying my Grandmother used to say, "We don't have much money, but we do see life."
Like the saying goes, I'm not rich but I know some people, been some places and had my fair share of ups, downs and all that's inbetween. I like hearing about other people's lives and sharing the stories from mine, but see no reason for anyone to be repetative or to lie. I'm not a person you need to impress that way. The story that is interesting the first time has lost it's shine on the twelfth time of hearing, and how can anyone be impressed by something they don't believe? The type of person you are counts for more than what you say you can do or have done. I may be facing a time when my morals and ethics are put to the test. Possibly taking myself out of certain situations because of the people involved. Gonna be some thinking to do but ultimately I'm the one who has to live with my decision, so my choice will be the right one for me, regardless of what others think.
I photographed my cycling club's road race yesterday. It took place on a course I have ridden this year in a couple of time trials, all heavy roads with no place to recover before the next effort is upon you. I have nothing but respect for every rider that took part. Maybe next year I might be taking part myself.
... but this morning I found myself riding there. As I turned from the hills north of York towards the City, I found myself riding across the flat stretch of land before me, underneath a sky that had clouds stacked up like a grey blanket. Along forgotten country lanes known only by locals, the smell of freshly turned earth hanging on the breeze and the only sounds being tractors toiling in the fields. My training ride had gone well, on my return journey the wind was against me so a little more effort was required. In the drops, watching the road rush under my wheels, I had images of Spring races in Belgium and Northern France in my mind. For a short while I was lost in a place I'd never seen, as I continued the Britishness of my surroundings slowly awoke me from my European daydream.
I like the 'world' I live in. The things I give the most importance may not work for everyone but they do for me. I am starting a new agenda of only giving time to real issues, concentrating on things I can change and that are actually happening, rather than imaginary problems I create for myself.
I know someone who blames all their problems on other people, constantly complains about how their life would be different if they had the chances of others and generally lives a restricted existence bound by their past decisions, while taking none of the responsibility. They bore me, and frustrate me that there are actually still people who are so self-obsessed they put themselves and their petty, self pity above those with real issues in life.
It always reminds me on a Diane Arbus quote:
"Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats." Diane Arbus
It feels wrong but so right to only work for half the day. Getting to eat your packed lunch at home, a shower in the middle of the day, getting the boring stuff out of the way before the other half comes home and playing music too loud because all the neighbours are out.
Ask Katherine. She will tell you about my obsession. With bicycles. It's true to a certain extent but not the whole story. It could be said I have a pretty fastidious personality, and thrive at attention to detail but combine this with my ability to doubt every decision I make, and I sometimes find myself going round and round about the simplest task. This is where bikes help. For all the hours I could spend mulling over paint choices, which wheels to run and the negatives associated with wearing kit that doesn't match, all it takes is five minutes riding to blow everything out of my head. Yesterday's ride made me forget all the problems encountered during a week of work and just now fifteen minutes on the rollers was all it took to convince myself that my worries were too petty to bother with. All the riding I do has one thing in common. It's fun. Whether it be BMX, riding myself into the ground during training or a simple cafe run. When I start racing it will be on my own terms and is sure to be a lot of fun but maybe the hardest thing I will have done so far.
In my life right now, I am happy. There are things I want to change and opportunities are presenting themselves. I know the people who I should listen to and those who might not have my best interests at heart. There isn't long before Katherine and I go to Italy, which is going to be a 'bike-free week' and an immersion into Italian culture. My money is looking after itself, I have enough to pay my way but not too much to waste or that is burning a hole in my pocket.
Starting to know the meaning of this phrase a bit clearer recently. It was funny to see you not get your own way for a change, and all because if a girl! Let's face it Ikea wasn't that bad anyway.
Recently had a big 'family do' with some both close and far relatives. Sitting down with those closest to me, listening to the laughter of children and eating enough bbq food to feed a large army... I longed for nothing in life. It made me feel like issues such as career and money mean absolutely nothing compared to family and happiness. This is where I am slowly changing as I get older. I have never wanted to be rich but have had a greedy streak that means I will milk an opportunity for all it is worth. I have no debt and owe nobody anything except the help in return for what has been done already, as long as I am able to provide for my own family I desire nothing more than I need. To some people this will sound like a lack of ambition, but I want to be the best at what I do, just not make millions in the process. I am a practical person, at school I wanted to be a carpenter/craftman but I had the intellect to go further. At college I explored what it was like to be creative, but have found creativity not necessarily a career path. I am coming full circle with my desire to work with my hands, problem solve and see things take shape in front of me, and develop a set of skills that will last me throughout my entire working life. I am ready for the hard work it takes to make dreams a reality, and I am already taking the small steps on the road to where I want to be.
Two personal bests in a row in the Thursday TT's and then third place in yesterdays 5 mile TT. Starting to think my obsession is giving me some rewards. Hopefully opportunities near at hand, will help me flesh out the finer details of the coming year. Could be amazing.
Had a solo ride today in the Howardian Hills. Whoever told me York was flat hadn't been to Castle Howard and surrounding area. Not riding in a group for a change took away the hyper-awareness you need to have for those around you, so I found myself drifting along listening to the sound of wheels on road, chain running through gears and generally day-dreaming. It all reminded me what an escape riding can be. You don't actually think about anything yet you are conscious of almost everything. Pain ,and effort in relation to incline, usually occupies a lot of headspace but normally life altering decisions can be made on a decent solo run, without the knowledge of how the decision had been reached.
In other parts of the world there are still people who are willing to help others without expecting anything in return. This fact, and when I experience that feeling, keep me going.
Too many people talk too much. At least with my problem of 'over-thinking' I don't burden anyone else with all the crap that floats around my head.
The weather man said today was "Sunshine and showers" and I thought BMX weather. The type of day where the ground just about dries up enough to ride only to rain again. Meaning instead of riding, you just sit around under cover of the nearest shelter, and talk shit and drink Coke. Those were the days. Now I actually ride in the rain, and most of the time enjoy it. The sting of rain blown on a headwind, spray from the wheel in front, clothes getting wet only to be dry again after five minutes. It makes every mile a fight, and one that is so satisfying to win.
It's coming up to that time of year where I should have been in full-on preparation mode for the event I was meant to be part of. Unfortunately it has been postponed for a year, so I am left feeling slightly uneasy about whats happening next. Apparently more twenty somethings are experiencing a early mid-life crisis because of the pressure to find a career, and the sheer amount of money needed to survive these days. I don't think I'm quite at that stage yet but I have been questioning a lot of aspects of my life and not finding many answers. I have a longing for satisfaction in employment, simple things done well, feeling comfortable with people around me and opportunities that actually happen. Anyone who has read this blog before may have noticed the lack of words dedicated to my photography. That is because it has been a subject with which I have been struggling to find the time to properly do anything. It's on my list of things to change...
points system:
+1
The weather recently Charlie Kaufman Boiled eggs, toast and tea.
The words muttered by Issac McCrea, during the closing credits of 'Standard Country'. They have been ringing in my ears for the last day or so. Also I have been all too aware that my mood effects the people around me and in turn, theirs can impact on me too. So I am doing as the title suggests for a change, basically living how I want and without negatively affecting others.
Another bit of advice floated into my head too, which I will end on for today,
It's an awesome feeling when things go right. Everyday I see people rushing tasks, and taking twice as long to finish something simply because they have to do it more than once to get it right. I prefer the 'do it once and do it properly' method, doing something calmly and thoroughly often takes less time and means your mind doesn't get clouded with the ten things you were trying to do all at once. The other day I was called fastidious. I took it as a compliment, all I know is when I just changed the tires on my road bike I made sure the valves lined up with the logos on each wheel, and I know when I see that little detail in the future I'll be very happy with my attention to detail.
My birthday weekend went swimmingly. Great surroundings, great company, great food including the new discovery of Lemon Macaroons from Betty's, 95p a pop but worth it for a treat now and again.
-I have been successfully avoiding watching TV. -Getting up at 7am. -Licking my wounds, after a commuting bike-on-bike crash.
By the time I write again I will have turned 25, had a night away in a B+B in the Yorkshire Dales and had a family meal in an amazing Italian restaurant.
No-one should ever presume to 'know' anyone just because of how they look, or from one or two snippets of information. It takes time to let people reveal themselves for who they truly want to be, they will have faults and hopefully charms too, we are all complicated individuals and we all deserve to find like minded company to share our lives with.
This time of year always makes my mind recap what has happened in the past year. It's not that I think turning 25 is a landmark. It's something I do every birthday. This isn't the place to discuss such thoughts but I think it's safe to say the last year has been a good one overall, yet not much has changed. The next year holds a couple of interesting opportunities and maybe some decisions that need making. All in all, as it says in the film, I am prepared for amazing things to happen.
I have been looking at the Vanilla Bicycles website a lot in the last couple of days, below is a link to a cool video made about Vanilla. The business model this guy is following is a brave one, and I can't help but respect him for what he's achieving without compromising on what he believes.
In other cycling news, I rode my first 'century' at the weekend. Did the Sunday clubrun out over the North Yorkshire Moors, so it wasn't exactly an easy 100 miles but so satisfying. Next week it's my first time trial and the prediction of more pain.
