Why do you still care?

And why am I angry?

This is my 300th blog post. Sounds like a lot but this thing started on the 13th of February 2 thousand 6, so knocking on the door of 4 years old.

I recently was asked the question 'What is your dream?' and I don't know the answer anymore. I've had a few over the years but not too many that have worked out. I feel like 2009 hasn't treated us too well but it hasn't killed me either. Possibly made me stronger but crushed a bit of my spirit too.
I'm really looking forward to Christmas because this year it means some proper family time and after that it's exciting to think a few things might be changing again.


I'm not giving up this time.

Funny, especially after nine hours at work.

I don't have a problem, honestly.

Another one to add to the collection.

WTF.

I wouldn't even know where to start. Bad things to Good people. Again.

It's done.

It surprised me how excited I felt after leaving Bob Jackson yesterday, I know already I have made the right decision.
For anyone wondering why I didn't buy a carbon frame, I can't afford one that is to the standard I want, and I certainly can't afford it's replacement in 2 - 3 years.

Full Story.

I've been doing too many short and angry blog posts recently. It stems from tiredness and frustration in my day to day life, and simply not wanting to go over it all again in writing.

So, Autumn feels like it's making way for Winter. My seasonal circulation problems have resurfaced, meaning continual thermal socks and gloves wearing until March. Full mudguards are on my work bike now too, scary how high practicality rates on my list of 'must haves'.
On the subject of bicycles, I'm off tomorrow to get fit up for a custom frame from the one and only Bob Jackson. Let them measure me up, lay down my deposit and (un)patiently wait for 5-6 months for the finished result. Fingers crossed will be ready with time to spare for the first racing of the 2010 season, which I hope to make my first engagement with local road racing.



I want a reason to hurt like this. I need to get my strength back by spending hours in the saddle and logging the miles. I need to get organised, to be motivated by progression, to stop listening to negativity and for it all to be FUN.

Between you, me and the lamp post I've been hearing all kinds of gossip recently. Some of it true, some obvious lies and some daft crap as well. I don't take much notice of a lot of it except when people I care about have been messed around or get hurt.

Had a couple of nights out at the weekend too. Saturday we did a not too scary ghost tour of Nunnington Hall for Halloween, and Sunday we went to an art evening organised by Katherine's art group. Both very interesting in their own ways.

Werk is Werk, and remember we are not paid to use our initiative.

Had an accident? On the street or at work, that wasn't your fault?

Tough shit.

We need more of this attitude and less politically correct people, suing each other or apologising for something they said in private.

We don't know how lucky we are.

Please don't be somebody who:


a) takes everything they have for granted.

b) thinks that they deserve everything given to them in life.


Deal with it.

Don't pretend to be interested.

I watch so many films, my grasp on reality can slip. It's a great way to pass some time at this point in the year. When the clocks go back and darkness creeps steadily in on both ends of the working day, they are a great escape.
Also riding for me slows down and work picks up so my free time becomes more valuable, which begs the question why am I still sitting on this computer?

Seeing in Black and White.

Italy 2009.

Look how God damn ugly the stars are.

The words that run through my head every time I look up at a night sky full of stars. It's a line from an Alkaline Trio song with no real significance to me really.

If you can write an email to someone you don't know without sounding like a dick, please tell me how.

Have had not a lot of energy at all recently. No explanation probably just the Winter slow down.

Old FBM BMX video are a lot of fun to watch.

The trick to meaningless conversation is to ask a lot of questions.

I can make myself feel on the outside of any scene/club/peer group in ten seconds flat, but when I ignore these urges I get on with almost everybody.

This makes a lot of sense to me.

Borrowed from Adam Myerson at Cycle Smart

Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path, and there is not affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition.

I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question. This question is one that only a very old person asks. My benefactor told me about it once when I was young, and my blood was too vigorous for me to understand it. Now I do understand it.

I will tell you what it is: Does this path have a heart?

All paths are the same, they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long, long paths, but I am not anywhere. My benefactor’s question has meaning now. “Does this path have a heart?” One makes you strong; the other weakens you.

The trouble is nobody asks the question: and when a person finally realizes that they have taken a path without heart, the path is ready to kill them. At that point very few people stop to deliberate and leave the path.

A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it.

For my part there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length.

And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly.

- Don Juan

Little Friend.

Two wheeled skills.

Nothing lasts forever, except you and me.

It's a sad and uneasy feeling. Not caring.
I don't have too much responsibility in my day to day life, so the last few days of being at my parent's has been a complete change. A combination of house sitting and being in charge of the business means my day is full of jobs before it's even started. At the same time any free time becomes more precious and valuable as a result. It's a rewarding process being busy with jobs that matter and add up to something more than just being paid for your time, throw in the fact that I managed to see some family and friends and it's been a pretty good time.
I actually like the person this mean I become too. Responsibility seems to bring out a good side in me which gets on with things, has less numpty moments and has a strength that I rarely use in my 'normal' life. The lack of someone else to ask an opinion means I trust my decisions, an empowering feeling.
All this is not to say I actually change when I'm here, but life becomes slightly more black and white instead of a millions shades of grey. The lesson for this week is to transfer this attitude to York based activities. We'll see.

I Heart...

that I don't have a facebook or twitter account.
Dischord Records.
sitting in front of an open fire.
BMX.
Grafting.

Henry Rollins is my hero.

I know what I did this Summer.

Disappointment.

This morning I was too ill to ride the last cycling event of my season. When I made the decision to stay home I immediately felt a little better, then when I went back to bed I almost got back up and tried again to leave. It's a mysterious process. The same as when you get dropped from a fast group you are struggling to hold onto, you see the wheel move in front and know you need to hold on even when your whole body is screaming to quit. If you listen and give in, the second you do you feel instantly better but try to kick again to catch up and the body doesn't even work. By giving in you get the relief you crave but also the gut wrenching feeling of what might have been.
So not only am I ill today but I have the 'what might have been' about an event I was really looking forward to and hoping to do well in.

Italy.